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3DActionPlanet | Articles | How to be an Elite Online Wanker: 8 Easy Steps
by: Thrrrpptt!

Step 7: Criticize other players

Elite wankers should have keys bound to the following commands:

  • "say Fu*king camper!"
  • "say Fu*king quad whore!"
  • "say Fu*king LPB!"
  • "say Fu*king BFG user!"
  • "say Fu*king LPB camping quad BFG whore!"

It doesn’t matter if the other player has a 800 ping, circle strafes you, and kills you with a basic weapon. Use these complaints often, even if it’s just to remind people not to do such things. I also like to use them every time I camp near respawn points with a quad BFG and a 40 ping.

Step 8: Don’t be a team player

Teamplay games are especially attractive to elite wankers, since they offer them the opportunity to stand out in stark contrast their teammates’ infantile skills. There are a myriad of ways to be a wanker of a teammate. Here are just a few:

  • Scream "We need more defense you morons!!!" as you wander aimlessly around the map, being careful not to go anywhere near your team’s base.
  • Stand perfectly still in narrow passageways, especially if your teammates are trying to get through.
  • Grab a powerful powerup, such as the Quad Damage in Quake 2, and immediately dive into the closest pool of lava/slime.
  • Repeatedly shout "I need more ammo! I need more ammo!" When someone gives you some, immediately fire it all into a nearby wall, the floor, or the teammate that gave it to you. Then demand more.
  • Grab everything in sight, sparing nothing for your teammates. If you’re at full health, damage yourself so you can grab that health pack or armor.
  • Send out false and misleading communications to your teammates (e.g., "super health pack near enemy base", when there’s just a large group of enemy defenders).
  • In games of capture the flag, grab your enemy’s flag, then aimlessly roam the map, being careful not to go anywhere near your team’s base. If someone tells you to return the flag to your base, ardently claim that you don’t have it, then fill the screen with obscenities.

That’s it! Follow these steps and soon you will be known far and wide as an elite online wanker in the first degree! Good luck and good wanking!

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Related Links
Read more Articles
How to form a Clan of Elite Online Wankers
How to Create a Web Page for Elite Online Wankers
The Wankermatic 5000


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