How To Start A Clan Of Online Wankers (In 10 Easy Steps!)
When I first published my self-help article
How to be an Elite Online Wanker,
I set out to teach people how to better themselves by becoming an elitist,
annoying wanker when playing online action games. The response was wonderful.
Many of you wrote in saying how much my words meant to you, and that I had hit
the proverbial nail right on its big head. I sleep much better at night knowing
that my efforts have touched so many, and that there are now that many more
wankers traipsing through the world's online gaming servers.
And yet there is so much more to learn. Many people may be satisfied reaching
the pinnacle of llama-dom on their own, but others adhere to the old saying that
"No wanker is an island". The latter people crave the companionship that only
other elite online wankers can provide, and feel the need to band together and
revel in their own "m4d $kilz" while belittling others. It is for these people
that I write this second piece in the Wanker Trilogy, "How to Form a Clan of
Elite Online Wankers in 10 Easy Steps". In the pages that follow, I'll take you
through the 10 simple steps involved with gathering together a group of people
as obnoxious as you, making a name for yourself, and making sure your clan goes
down in the annals of wanker history.
Step 1: Is the online game clan life for you?
This is an important question to consider right off the bat. Being in a clan
takes a lot of time, and commitment. Sure, you're an elitist wanker in your own
right, but do you have what it takes to get along with others of your ilk? You
can belittle, taunt, and type obscenities in all capital letters, but the
important thing is that you be able to focus that behavior at people outside
your clan. To see if you might fit into a clan, take this little test:
1. People are suck-ass losers if they:
a. fail to show courtesy and respect to others
c. are different from me
2. People deserve to be ridiculed if:
a. they ridicule others
c. they don't have the same cool clan tag on their name as me
3. If I loose a game it's because:
a. my opponents were more skilled
b. my teammates are suck-ass losers
c. it wasn't an official match
If you answered "a" to any of these questions, you probably don't want to be
in a clan in the first place. If you answered "b" to any of them, then your
unbridled wankerdom will probably just get in the way. You should probably just
leave other people alone in general. If you answered "c" to the questions above,
then an online gaming clan may be just what you need! Time to form a clan.
Step 2: Choosing a Clan Name
This step is similar to choosing an intimidating name for yourself.
The only real difference is that you'll have to share it with other wankers. The
name should be something impressive and terrifying, like DeathKnights, or
Apocalypse Bringers or Pissed as Farts (I didn't make that last
one up, believe it or not). Extra points are awarded for misspellings or
oxymoron's, as in Terrifying Ass Kickers or Clan Screaming Stealth.
Basically, if your clan name sounds like it could be a movie starring Steven
Segal, you've got it.