How To Start A Clan Of Online Wankers (In 10 Easy Steps!)
- Thrrrpptt!
Step 3: The Clan Tag
You're a tightly knit clan of amazingly skilled wankers. You've got to let
the world know. More importantly, you've got to let the world know that other
people are not in your clan. The vehicle for important message this is
the clan tag. You've probably seen it: the set of characters flanked by brackets
at the beginning or end of a player's name. One might think that the clan tag
should simply be an acronym for the clan name, but that sort of logic is
shortsighted. You've got to spruce up your clan tag so that it stands out from
the crowd. You may or may not use the letters in your clan name, but you should
definitely throw in extra characters, symbols, ASCII art, and random
punctuation. It also helps to capitalize every other letter.
Thus, the clan tag for Clan Doomsday Riders would be: {[!ArK=-=%!]}.
Makes sense, right?
An alternative method for coming up with a clan tag is to simply pick up your
cat (you can borrow one if you don't have one), set it down on the keyboard,
then suddenly pop a balloon behind its back. Thus, Clan Spasmatic Monkey
Humpers becomes ][oq249781kjas~. Put brackets around that sucker and you've
got a classic.
Step 4: Recruiting Clan Members
Now that you've got your clan name and tag down, you need to go out and get
other people to join your clan. Otherwise you're just some guy with a dumb name,
and we can't have that can we? There are a couple of ways you can go about doing
this.
Recruiting From Games. If you're on a game server and totally getting
your ass kicked by some guy, then he's obviously cheating. That sort of
ingenuity could make a handsome addition to your clan roster. Ask him to join
up. Anybody that's spent time honing their skills and enjoying the game is
obviously small minded and will probably not want to limit himself to playing
with a small set of people he has never met, just on your word that "it will
kick ass". If he says "No", then try to change his mind by calling him a pussy
and fill the screen with obscenities until he logs off the server. Then add him
to the roster anyway, so that you can tell other potential recruits that you're
constantly growing
Recruiting from Established Web Pages. Big time web pages just love
to help fledgling clans out. One of the first things you should do when forming
a clan should be to fire off an email to big sites like Blue's News and
PlanetQuake asking them to prominently display a message from you asking for new
members. Here's a sample email that you can edit to fit your own needs:
BLUE, YOU GUYS ROCK!!! I AM STARTING A KICK ASS QUAKE
CLAN CALLED THE CLAN DOOMSDAY RIDERS. SO FAR IT IS JUST ME AND MY FRIEND SAM
BUT WE ARE GOING TO BE HEDGE!!!!! MY FRIEND SAM AND I THOUGHT IT WOULD KICK
MOST ASS BUT WE ARE THE ONLY MEMBERS PLEASE POST A MASSAGE ON YOUR WEB PAGE
TELLING PEOPLE THEY CAN JOIN UP NOW BY EMAILING ME AT LEETDOOD@HOTMAIL.COM.
BUT HURRY!!!!!!!!!!!! WE WILL ONLY TAKE A FEW MORE PEOPLE INTO OUR KICKASS
CLAN AND CLOSE DOORS FOREVER!!!!!!! UNTIL WE NEED MORE PEOPLE!!!!! PLEAS POST
NOW!!!!!!!!!!! (AT TOP OF PAGE, DON'T PUT IT IN SUCKY PART LIKE "OUT OF THE
BLUE") WE WILL KILL YOU ALLL!! ROCK!!!
PS I MITE LET YOU JOIN IF YOU KICK ASS ENOUGH AND PUT UP THIS MESSAGE.
EMAIL ME SO YOU CAN TRY OUT!!!!!
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As you can see, nobody could argue with that persuasive a message. The
spelling, the punctuation, the subtle threats, they all weave together to form
an a compelling tapestry of rhetoric that is sure to get your hotmail account
flooded with wankers clamoring to have a shot at your elite group.
 
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