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How To Start A Clan Of Online Wankers (In 10 Easy Steps!)
- Thrrrpptt!

Step 5: Make a Clan Web Page

By this point, you're probably huge. You may have upwards of four or five people in your clan (whether they know it or not), and an organization that gigantic needs a web page. Hell, everybody's got them. Lack of web authoring talent or something interesting to say about your clan are no excuse for not having a web page. People will want to know all about you, so you've got to deliver in your own special wanker style. Here's a few helpful tips to make sure your web page adheres to the Wanker Code of Standards:

  • Get hosted on Geocities. First impressions are important. People love those pop-up boxes that come with any sites hosted on Geocities. It's a sure sign that you're serious about your gaming, and the people at Geocities went to the trouble of advertising on your web page. You should also make it so that every time someone visits a different area of your web site, it opens a new window and thus a new Geocities pop-up window. You don't want people to forget the kind of wanker you are.
  • Use 36-point font. At least. People hate small words in 10- or 12-point font. People who look at your web page should be able to read it from the other side of the room, across the street, or from orbit in outer space.
  • Make liberal use of the "Center" html tag. People also hate neatly arranged blocks of easily read text. Paragraphs should be centered instead of right-justified, and contain random paragraph breaks.
  • For God's sake, don't spell check your text! You don't have time for that sort of thing, and you don't want to project the wrong image. People will come clamoring to join your clan because they think you spend all your time honing your 3l33t skilz, not clicking on spellcheck icons.
  • Dark text on a light background? Booooorrrrinng! Everybody does that, and you need to stand out from the crowd. Try navy text on a black background or yellow text on white. Don't forget to make liberal use of blink html tags, too.
  • Put up lots of links to areas that are still "under construction", complete with little icons of "men at work" signs.
  • Include a prominently placed hits tracker. Nothing impresses visitors like seeing that you've had in excess of 27 hits in the last 6 months.
  • Include, up front, an inane, rambling stream of consciousness about how you formed your clan. Take up at least several paragraphs, in huge font, to basically relate that you were sitting around one day and decided to put a clan together because it would be cool.

That should be enough to get you started. If you need help, go visit some existing wanker clan web pages. You could just do a search for "Quake clans" on the internet, or go check out the great examples at Force Clan Dork Awards.

Step 6: Pick a Game

You can't just play any game as a clan of Wankers. Regular Quake 3 deathmatch is for pansies. In order to truly show off your mad skilz, you need to dominate in a game that nobody else ever plays. Pick a mod that nobody really plays and that there are never any servers for. That way you can't be contradicted when your web pages claims that you are "The undisputed champion of Choke the Monkey (version 2.11) for Quake 3". If you can't find any Choke the Monkey servers, create one (remember, all true wankers have cable modems or ISDN lines), play a few games, then crown yourselves the grand champions of the world. Then go play some deathmatch.

 

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