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How To Start A Clan Of Online Wankers (In 10 Easy Steps!)
- Thrrrpptt!

Step 7: Practice, Practice, Practice

Face it: being a wanker is high maintenance, and keeping an entire clan of wankers in line is even more difficult. You need to practice or your godlike abilities will whither away to simply "superhuman". Getting a clan together to practice can be difficult, especially when half your members don't even know they're in your clan. One thing that helps is to announce on your web page that "PRACTICE IS THIS TUESDAY, DOODZ!!!". Don't specify a time, date, or server, since that sort of pressure might drive some of your better players off. Pick a server that's open to the public so that you can hold impromptu tryouts and advertise your greatness to any innocent bystanders who get caught in the crossfire. Get on the server around the time you had in mind, and wait to see if any of your clanmates show up. If they don't, send everyone a bitchy email about how nobody cares enough to show up for practice.

Step 8: Find an Opponent

Okay! You're all set, you've been practicing (or at least scheduling practice sessions), and you're now ready to go. Find yourself a rival clan and challenge them. Friendly invitations such as "YOU GUYS SUCK!! WELL KIK YOUR A$$! ROCK!!!" usually set the tone for the event and establish an appropriate atmosphere of sportsmanship. A typical conversation, either in IRC on a message forum, might go something like this:


Clan Member A: CLAN DOOMSDAY RIDERS ROKZ!!!! We are the BEST at any game!!!! Especially Choke the Monkey!!!!!! Any1 here MAN ENOUGH to try and challenge us? }:)
Clan Member B: DOOOD! YOU GUYS SUCK!!!! YOU SUCK SO MUCH!!!!!
Clan Member A: NO, YOU SUCK!!!!
Clan Member B: YOU SUCK!!! LOOSER!
Clan Member A: YOU SUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!
Clan Member B: YOU SSSSUUUUCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Innocent bystander: Would you two please shut the hell up?
Clan Member A: Shut up dood! You suck!!
Clan Member B: YAH! YOU SUCK! Shut up, dood!!~
*Innocent bystander has left IRC*
Clan Member A: HAHAHAHAAHAHA! Loser! Let's play, dood!
Clan Member B: Rock!

Step 9: Let's Play!

If you can manage to get a few of your clan buddies together online at once and can get another clan to accept your invitation to a match, it's time to start looking for a challenge. Really the best way to do this is to just show up on a crowded server and start demanding that everyone leave immediately to make room for your match. Fill the screen with obscenities and letters in all caps until the server is empty. Complicated rules like even number of players on a team or an agreed upon starting or ending time really get in the way, so just start shooting everything that moves, friend or foe. The object of this pissing match is to show which team of wankers is comprised of the biggest wankers. Pull out all the stops and don't hold one single wanker impulse back.

Step 10: Weasel out of Defeats

It's an unwritten rule that all elite online wanker clans have a perfect record. No clan of wankers has ever lost a match. If you should find yourself about to defeat, apply one of the following emergency countermeasures:

  1. Disconnect immediately, claiming that though the score may have been close (e.g., -3 to 25), you would have probably won if you hadn't encountered connection problems. Therefore, you are the victor.
  2. Say "Okay, enough warming up. Let's start the real game." If the other side objects, see rule #1.
  3. Claim that this was not an official match, and thus will not count towards your record. If you had agreed prior to starting the game that it would be an official match, see rule #1.

Related Links

Read more Articles
How To Be A Wanker
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And there you have it, a complete guide to starting up a clan of elite online wankers from scratch. Remember that your clan is an important commitment, and not one to be taken lightly. You should stick with it through the thick and thin, for at least up to two or even three weeks. Happy wanking.

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