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11/1/2002
The Final Word

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The Past, Present And Future Of AI

How to Create a Web Page for Online Wankers
by: Thrrrpptt!

Welcome back, Wanker!

Welcome to the third installment of the "Wanker series" here on 3DActionPlanet, the definitive self-help guide for all the (justifiably) elitist wankers out there in the online gaming world. In the first installment I gave you the basics on how to be one of those boorish, annoying, super jerks that prey on hapless newbies and civilized folks on all the online game servers out there. It was all good and I think I really reached a lot of people.

In the second installment, I discussed how to take your wankerdom to the next level and form a clan of elite online wankers. I think I really got to people there and tapped into the communal aspect of being a complete ass.

In this third installment, I'll be your tour guide through the process of creating the ideal gaming web page. Some people just tackle this kind of undertaking equipped with nothing more than a good work ethic, a passion for the subject, and good writing skills. Losers. What you need for this sort of thing is the total wanker mindset: you're one badass walking encyclopedia of gaming knowledge and unsubstantiated opinion, and people will LINE UP to drink from your fountain of knowledge. The same kinds of attitudes and brash disregard for other people that served you so well on the game servers of the world will also project you to new heights of wankerdom as the maintainer of the world's best gaming web site.

Let's get on with the lessons.

Step 1: Do a Practice Page!

If this is your first time creating a web page, you probably want to take a trial run at it first. You know, something easy to let you get the hang of it. I suggest a comprehensive general news page covering all of computer gaming. Sure, there are pages like GameSpy.com, Blue's News, Voodoo Extreme, and the like, but you're going to be different. You're going to have NEWS on your page --news about computer games! Take that, you news page wannabe's! It would be amazing that nobody had thought of this before if it weren't so sad.

It will be important, however, for you to provide the right news to people, and by "right news" I mean, of course, "what you know". Nobody really wants to be flooded with comprehensive, up-to-the-date news all the time. Put your unique wanker perspective of the gaming scene to usee and practice a little editorial control. Just give people the big stories and leave out all the other crap. Today's breaking headlines like "Quake 2 Has Gone Gold!" or "Team Fortress Rocks!" are good starts. Don't get ahead of yourself.

Once you've had a little practice with a general news site, you may want to try your hand at a smaller site dedicated to one game or series of games. Sure, it's not as epic as your uber-news site, but it's got its own quaint charm and you can really make a bigger difference in your visitors' lives. They should never be the same after coming to your site once.

Step 2: Secure the Right Hosts

Getting hosted on networks like GameSpy or IGN or Gamefan is strictly for chumps who don't have the ingenuity to provide their own webserver space, bandwidth, promotion, technical support, prepackaged scripts, forums, and gaming communities. No talent chumps. You don't need all that --you're an elite online wanker! Go with a professional company like Geocities, Angelfire, or Theglobe.com and just do it yourself. Grab one of their prepackaged designs, take 10 minutes with Microsoft Homepage to really screw it up, throw in a guestbook, and you're ready to go.

Game Sites
  Allegiance
  Alice
  Aliens vs. Predator
  America's Army
  Armored Core
  Battlefield 1942
  Billy Hatcher
  Blood
  Breed
  Bridge Commander
  Call of Cthulhu
  Call of Duty
  Chrome
  CnC: Renegade
  Counter-Strike
  Crysis
  Daikatana
  Dark Sector
  DarkSpace
  Descent
  Deus Ex
  DOOM
  Drakan
  Duke
  Elite Force
  Far Cry
  F.E.A.R.
  Freelancer
  Frontlines
  Gears of War
  Ghost Recon 2
  Giants
  Grand Theft Auto
  Gunman Chronicles
  Halo
  Half-Life
  Heretic
  Hidden & Dangerous
  Hitman 47
  Jedi Knight 2
  Killer 7
  Killzone
  Kingpin
  Klingon Academy
  Loose Cannon
  Mafia
  Mario Kart
  Mechwarrior 4
  Medal of Honor
  Men of Valor
  Midnight Club
  Oni
  Operation Flashpoint
  Planetside
  Prince of Persia
  Project Nomad
  Quake
  Rainbow 6
  Red Faction
  Savage
  Shadow Warrior
  Shogo
  Slave Zero
  Star Trek Games
  Soldier of Fortune
  Splinter Cell
  Starcraft: Ghost
  Starlancer
  Team Fortress
  Thief
  Transformers
  Trespasser
  TRIBES
  Undying
  Unreal
  WheelofTime
  Wolfenstein
  X-Com Alliance
  X-Men
  Zero-G Marines