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11/1/2002
The Final Word

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The Past, Present And Future Of AI




How to Create a Web Page for Online Wankers
by: Thrrrpptt!

Step 3: Limit the Traffic

This may sound counter intuitive, but the last thing you want to become is mainstream. You didn't become the elite wanker you are now by being a functional member of the general population. You want to make sure that you don't get too many visitors and that too many people can contact you easily. Here's a few tips:

  1. It helps to have a really cool domain name, something that sticks out in people's minds. The name of your site should come easily to mind. Here's a few examples of bad and good domain names.

    Bad:

    http://www.planetquake.com
    http://www.quakeheadquarters.net
    Good:
    http://wwww.angelfire.com/neigborhood/~331/QU4K3R0x0RZ!
    http://www.umsl.edu/s99/student/0asdf/biology/ramf
  2. Pick a really hard to type and/or spell nickname to use for the site, and don't use any mailto: tags so that people will probably screw it up when they have to manually type it. One good example: "Thrrrpptt!"
  3. Better yet, don't provide an email address at all. Just put up a guestbook. Don't bother to read it, though, as that would undermine the whole concept.
  4. Increase load times by gorging the site with huge graphics and animated images. The last thing you want are any of those primitive dial-up modem users coming to your site. One dancing Quake guy is cute and may make people come back to your page, but 75 of the little buggers all dancing in unison and pushing your page size up over 300,000 bytes will keep those icky modem users at arm's length. This also has the added advantage of distracting people from the fact that you have no real content.

Step 4: Popup Boxes!

Nothing, I repeat, NOTHING will impress your imminent hoards of visiting wankers more than popup boxes on EVERY page. Make sure you have at least two or three crop up every time anyone clicks on ANYTHING or uses their browser's "back" button. Popup quizzes that make no sense and are really irritating are also great. Normally you'd have these come up automatically on every page, but click on the button below to see a good example:

Step 5: Format it Right

Nothing can ruin a web page like formatting. Remember, you've got a reputation to uphold so try to avoid mistakes like dark text on light backgrounds, left-justified text, or any sort of consistent navigation system. You need to communicate that your guests of your gaming greatness and that they should hang on your every word, so you don't want it to look like you spend all your time making things nice and neat. That's for people who don't spend their time kicking ass on online games. Dorks. Here's a few suggestions to get you started, along with links to REAL wanker web pages to give you good examples. The more of these you incorporate into your web page, the better:

  • Center justify everything
  • Make generous use of blink tags
  • Put LOTS of animated images everywhere
  • Use HUGE text, at least 24 point font. As has been said before, your page should be legible from across the room or from a stationary orbit high over the planet.
  • Use an annoying background image that makes people have to really concentrate on your page --ensures they're not just skimming!
  • Take up huge chunks of the web page with bizarrely placed frames, most of which contain nothing.
  • Nothing says "high tech" like offering your visitors a choice of "frames" or "no frames"! Many people are still surfing the net on pocket calculators, so be sure not to exclude them.
  • Most of your visitors will be hardcore gamers, and thus will be too poor to afford a radio after buying all those games. Help them out by embedding some cheesy music files in your page, AT FULL VOLUME! As I can tell you from experience, this is really a treat when you have your headphones cranked all the way up when you load the page. [example]

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