How to Create a Web Page for Online Wankers
Step 6: Impress the Yokels
Impress your visitors with a huge list of inane awards your site has won from people that nobody knows (e.g., "Cool site of the day award from the Biff's Cool Site List") . It'll prove to them that you really run with the elite in crowd that they know nothing about. Nobody will ever guess that you made most of them up. Here's a good example of this tactic. Want to improve on this already great idea? Create your own award and give it out to sites! They'll be so honored they'll link to you and give you thousands of hits.
Step 7: Keep Working on it...But Not Too Much
Don't get too worried about keeping too on top of the news. Most of that stuff is just implied and people don't really need to be told about it. If you posted about Unreal Tournament being announced back last year, you've pretty much got it covered. Real wankers can figure out the rest on their own.
Of course, don't forget to liberally sprinkle "under construction" images all over your page, even in unimportant sections like "News" and "Home". As a matter of fact, if you ever look up and find that you've compeletely finished any section, you've failed. You should be spending your time playing games, not working on a web page. Why did you think you started a web page in the first place?
Step 8: Get Some Cool Graphics
It's a widely known fact that everything on the internet is free for the taking. That includes content, graphics, and HTML code. It' sort of like a buffet of intellectual property --grab everything you like and pile your plate high! Elite wankers have game skilz, not Photoshop skilz. Everyone knows that!
Step 9: Promote Your Site
Getting the word out about your site is essential. You're a complete ass and the world needs to know about it. The logical first place to get your message out is on other gaming sites that have become successful by some weird fluke of luck, hard work, and talent. Try emailing these sites with a press release like the one below:
HI MYSITE IS NOW ON LINE AND READY TO VISIT. TELL ALL YOUR READERS ABOUT IT DICKWEED!!!!
This sort of finely crafted piece of rhetoric and logic will compel other news sites to not only list your site, but in some cases to simply redirect their front page to your site. You should send it out every hour on the hour to everyone whose email you can get ahold of.
Step 10: Stick with it!
Running a web page while holding down a full time job as an elite online wanker is tough work, but you've got to stick it out. In the long run all the rewards will be worth it. Stick with it for at least a good two to three days before you give up.
That's it! Take this advice and you'll have one hell of a unique web page in just 10 easy steps.
Thought this article was mildly amusing? Check out the other works in the Wanker Series:
How to be an Elite Online Wanker: 8 Easy Steps
How to Form a Clan of Elite Online Wankers in 10 Easy Steps