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3DActionPlanet | Articles | How to be an Elite Online Wanker: 8 Easy Steps
by: Thrrrpptt!

Other Articles in the Wanker Series
How to form a Clan of Elite Online Wankers
How to Create a Web Page for Elite Online Wankers
The Wankermatic 5000
People often ask me: "Thrrrpptt!, what are you doing half naked on my front lawn?" Other people ask "Thrrrpptt!, how can I become an elite online action game dood that inspires fear and envy in all that cross my path?" I wrote a twenty page feature article explaining my recurring presence on people’s front lawns, but the GameSpy Network higher-ups nixed it. So, I’ll have to focus on the second question of becoming an elite online action gamer (fortunately, it’s a whole lot more interesting).

Anyone who has played online action games knows them: the cocky, disrespecting, loud-mouthed, and incredibly frustrating nitwits that clog game servers with insults, profanity, and incessant bragging about their "3133t skilz" (whatever that means). Want to lean how to be one of those guys? Who wouldn’t?! This article explains how to become one of these elite online wankers in 8 easy steps. Follow them and in no time you’ll have entire servers clearing out just at the sight of you.

Step 1: The Name

Meet Skippy. You can be like him if you try.

Every wanker needs a proper name. One that signifies exactly who you are and what you’re about. There are two types of names you can choose from: the hacker name and the intimidating name. Hacker names should always be written in intelligible gibberish that looks like some sort of secret code used among "3lit3 h4xor d00ds" (that’s "elite hacker dudes). Acceptable names include 3133xer, S1333t, h0030r, and basically any combination of the numbers 0, 4, 3, and 1, along with a few vowels and random consonants thrown in to make it look legit. The name doesn’t need to necessarily mean anything. It should just look to other players like it could be deciphered if they only had some bizarre technological Rossetta Stone. The idea is to catch players unawares who are staring at your name trying to figure out what it means. You can then promptly fill them with your ammunition of choice.

Intimidating names conjure images so intimidating that other players will be shaking so hard they won’t be able to keep their mouse form jerking all over the place. Names like "Ass Kicker", "Quake_Master" and "Game God" are all good examples. The truly elite of the elite will combine intimidating and hacker names to stun their opponents with fits of laugh...err... fear.

Step 2: Talk the language

True elite wankers can be recognized not only by their name, but the language they use during the game. To let yourself be known as a force to be reckoned with, use lots of acronyms, abbreviations, and variations of the "hacker language" described above. Also punctuate your speech with random "heh’s" and "hehe’s", as well as emoticons that run counter to context that has been established. The only time you should use clear English is when being profane. Below is a transcript of a "conversation" I had with one elite online wanker:

3133t d00d: Heh FYI I r33m3d yer ass. ROCK! ROTFLMA!:-(
Thrrrpptt!: What?
3133t d00d: F*ck you!
Thrrrpptt!: Whatever. Shut up and play.
3133t d00d (repeated twelve times): You sux d00d! I gotz skilz you gotz w4st3d! Hehe haha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thrrrpptt!: Yeah, whatever.
3133t d00d: Ph33r me! I own y0r 4ss!
Thrrrpptt!: But I’m up by 15 frags.
3133t d00d: F*ck you!
3133t d00d disconnected.

As you can see, I was thoroughly intimidated, and if he had stuck around I’m sure I would have lost.

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