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3DActionPlanet | Articles | How to be an Elite Online Wanker: 8 Easy Steps
by: Thrrrpptt!

"Ph34r m3, punk!"

Step 3: Use the right equipment

One cannot be an elite online wanker with a 28.8 kbps modem. Most elite wankers play from their college dorm room ethernet connections or from their workplace’s T3 dedicated connection, resulting in sub-100 pings. Not to imply that your ph33rs0m skillz would be at all diminished with a ping of 600, but no self-respecting elite wanker would be caught dead on a modem connection. After all, if people don’t like it, the should go out and get a private ISDN put into their homes. Until they do, they have absolutely no right to complain. Also, just because you have a ping of 40 and a guy with a ping of 200 is winning, by no means does this mean that you can’t complain about his being a low ping bastard. Also feel free to blame lag each and every time you die. This leads to the next step:

Step 4: Blame, blame, blame

As an elite online wanker, you are incapable of making mistakes (Editor's note: This one sounds a bit like you, Jamie ;-). Your skilz are beyond such mortal shortcomings. Therefore, each and every time you die it must be because of some uncontrollable outside force. Feel free to blame lag, cheaters, luck, or anything else that people can’t disprove caused your demise. The main objective is to prevent the erosion of people’s faith in your divine skills. My favorite excuse...er... reason is that I was typing a message. Feel free to use the "I was typing" excuse even in the middle of a heated firefight. Here’s another transcript of that game:

3133t d00d was railed by Thrrrpptt!
3133t d00d: God**mn lag!!!!!!!!!!
Thrrrpptt!: Your ping is like 60
3133t d00d: F*ck you!
3133t d00d was railed by Thrrrpptt!
3133t d00d: Lucky shot. You suck!
3133t d00d almost dodged Thrrrpptt!’s rocket
3133t d00d: Prick! I was typing!!!!!
Thrrrpptt!: Don’t type so much. This isn’t a chat room.
3133t d00d does a backflip into the lava.
3133t d00d: Cheater! F*cking cheater!
Thrrrpptt!: I wasn’t anywhere near you! You just dove into the lava!
3133t d00d cratered.
3133t d00d melted.
3133t d00d was squished.
3133t d00d blew himself up.
3133t d00d disconnected.

As you can see, my opinion of this person’s skills never faltered. Not for a second.

Step 5: Revel in your victories

Elite online wankers must always point out their victories. Otherwise, less observant players might miss them. A casual and polite "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I killed your ass! YOU SUCK!" is all it takes to remind people who the real wanker is here. Also remember that there’s a bug in most game code that sometimes says you have fewer points than you really do. The score in your head is always right, no matter what everyone else says.

Step 6: Bitch, bitch, bitch

As an elite wanker, you are a treasure trove of unsubstantiated opinion, complaints, judgment, and proclamation. Upon joining a server, you should immediately make a mental list of all the things wrong with it. The game settings, options, maps, number of players, name, and even the game being run are all points upon which other players breathlessly await your comments. Complain often, complain loudly. Score extra points by making contradictory or impossible to understand complaints. And remember, responses such as "Shut the f*ck up!" are just slang for "Yeah, right on! Tell me more!"

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